the first collapse

thats right people, i have begun to fall apart already.

why, you ask, is this?
well, for my own sanity i made a list.

summer homework:

ap biology -
45 vocab words
read chapters 50 - 55
typed document of adaptations
 (two animal and plant for each of 8 biomes)
food chain for each of the biomes

ap micro -
emailed refutation
response to organ selling
"list" of nuisances and such

ap psych -
ethical standards questions
handouts
read prologue and chapter 2
 (list of 10 most interesting things in chapter 2)
index card
FAQ and typed reaction
psychology subfields and typed response

college reading and writing -
read, in the lake of the woods
watch, rushmore
read the guide to getting into the ivies.

how many days do i have to do this?! about 5. so im screwed. and already just going out of my mind.

forgive me for being so depressed sounding, but basically everything pretty much is depressing.

ive had a major headache for almost a week, and i feel like crap. i keep feeling like im going to faint or fall over or god knows what anymore. i think i got a 4 on my lit exam, which sucks. whatever. and now i have 6 freaking projects! i dont even know, everything is just so much more oppressive than ive ever felt. a lot of people have started to assume the worst of me for no apparent reason, and im feeling that lack of trust bigtime.

ive been really pessimistic lately, especially because i feel that school is so much more difficult than it should be. i mean, honestly, i think i got all the teachers everyone hates. villodas, hennagir, vites... and if its not a teacher that people hate, its a teacher that gives a crapload of work! so... im pretty much screwed....

so monday i have a huge spanish test
also i have a major precalc project that NOONE else in my group has done anything at all for
euro i have to pick a topic for our culture project. and im really conflicted about that...
infotech my computer spazzed and deleted one of my files/wouldnt let me save it
bio i have a research paper due. and she took off 30 pts off my notebook. i better still have an A or else im gonna have a major fit
stats i have not only an end of the year project, but a final as well. the paper we chose actually isnt bad, and im finally able to exercise my math skills in whats supposed to be a MATH class
and lit we just finished a project

so im really just done with everything. ill try to put together a nice optimistic list

NHS picnic the 22nd
math team picnic sometime soon
acadec meeting 21st mebbe?

thats pretty much it.

i want my ACT results back, but im pretty sure i didnt do so hot. i wasnt really paying attention to the english and i had fizzled out by science. but hopefully i did ok on my sat. which i can check on the 24th. if i live till then.

sat IIs are on june 2nd. finals start june 7th? this was all supposed to get easier after AP testsss

bio i think i got a B on that test. i really really want my A. really. she took off 30 points for not having extensive enough notes and for not showing my multiplication. im so frustrated i cant even express it.

and im getting really frustrated with how selfish people are getting lately. even people who im pretty close to, i find myself distancing myself from. im really trying to mature and get to be non sappy or whatever. we shall see how that progresses.

Oh! and i have a collo project! GAAAAAAAAAAAAH. no, you dont understand. im basically flipping out internally. im so fed up. so fed up.

this is totally melodramatic, but... yeah. this sucks.

and i still cant fit a flipping science into my schedule, which, combined with my stupid act, will make college apps suck even more.

whatever. im just looking forward to micro/psych/gov/calc and NHS. let me survive that long to see it.

p.s. the cicadas are coming.

Currently Reading Blowing Up Russia: The Secret Plot to Bring Back KGB Terror By Alexander Litvinenko, Yuri Felshtinsky see related

ok - im so done with this year. i mean, the next 2 weeks will be utter hell for me. for all of us. its rediculous how many tests they pile onto us... AP tests, sat, act, sat subject tests, prarie state, and the staggered ones throughout the year. not to mention... i love how my teachers are still giving me tests till the week before the big AP ones!

i cant wait till college. however, i have a new pet peeve. people who think that a good score on some ACT/SAT makes them verifiably "smarter" than someone else, or that it makes them sutomatically "qualified" to apply to great schools. first of all, the test is half english/reading. (in the case of the act) english and reading are subjective much of the time, and a lot of how well you do depends on the background you have in literature. also, it depends on personal mindset for the analytical questions. math doesnt depend on what teacher you have, nor does science. the math section freaking gave you the formulas! science is just data analysis! data is objective - you cant have 2 interpretations.

im just tired of having to prove myself over and over. i mean, some people are good guessers. some people over analyze. is it fair that the guesser gets a higher score than someone who is conflicted over an answer because they thought it over too much? i think those kind of analytical skills should be applauded, and guided, not restricted. and the writing is rediculous. the last act essay i wrote was sound and choerant with a few impressive words tossed around. it scored well, but this time i ran a sort of test. i threw in every obnoxious, pretentious word i could think of.  i wonder how the two scores will compare....

im also soooooooo worried about my ap tests. euro, especially. i just have a feeling that theres nothing i can do to prepare myself. i mean, you cant make up a years worth of learning in 2 weeks. stats im least concerned about. i can analyze my little head off in the free response section. lit... i dunno. if i can pull out some decent essays ill be totally fine. however, we havent read enough literature to have enough books to draw from for the essay. so its a crap shoot - if theyre essays i know about, itll be good.

im a little worried to see how i will be in college without all this pressure on me from my environment. not even so much school, but the people. i always presented myself, till this year, as entirely responsible and quiet and studious blahblahblah. but im not. its pretty much the lie of the century. noone knows what my true personality is. im basically just an extremely good liar. when i go away, with noone i know, then ill be myself. i think the reason i keep up this charade is because its all ive ever known. my family expected me to fit a very very rigid mold, and placed me there so firmly it was impossible to reverse it. the only thing thats really the same in my split personalities is my sense of humor, i think.

also, because i was so controlled as a kid, im probably going to be some rebellious college kid. i was thinking in church, as a matter of fact, that as of now i have 2 distinct paths that i see in my future. i could continue down this conservative path that im on now, that only makes me slightly happy, or i could adhere to my true nature. thing is, i find that the current path offers more success. but im not sure if it would be accompanied by more happiness. i mean, some things that both these paths want are the same. they want to be smart, witty, likeable, etc. and that means that some actions would accommodate both paths. like summer school in washington dc for jsa would be good for both because it allows be to be the responsible girl preparing for my future, and it also allows me to spread my wings and be myself for a bit, away from everyone here. and from what i hear, the parties are pretty good, too.

yep. noone knows my dark side. even people who think that they do, they barely scratch the surface.

what also excites me about finally nearing my departure from home is that i dont have to be subject to every wish of mother. especially on the matter of church. i hate church, i dislike religion. in fact, i think that im probably more athiest than anything else. i sit through church and use it for reflection time (which is partially why i came to xanga, because i did so much thinking today) and analyze the people in my world. and i daydream. i have a block against daydreaming, though. i always get a few minutes in, and then snap myself out of it. but i most definitely dont use the shurch time for "worship". it makes me wonder why i even go, because im sure they dont want a "nonbeliever" in their church, taking holy communion and such.

oh right, i remember why i go. i would be locked out of my house if i didnt go to church. *rolls eyes* i dont know why mother is so insistent on this point.

gah, this whole "choose between your two ways of life" thing is really making me think. curses. i dont think anyone would suspect it, but ... well id rather not say. let me just hint that i suspect that i would have a bad liver by the time i got out of college, if i went that way.

i hate to sound all angsty and teenagerish. because this isnt as superficial as it sounds... really. and i sorta hate letting people into my thoughts. makes it easier for them to read me. and i like to remain unreadable. i kinda take pride in the fact that noone knows how my real character is. sigh, i can see you now zoe. making shifty eyes and talling people im going to be a serial killer.

well.... i have an insane amount of homework to do. let me make a list.

precalc:
3 homeworks from the book

bio:
2 chapter outlines
organize notebook

euro:
study for test
read 53 pages in book
read 10 pages in other book
answer 9 questions
write a page about blame for the cold war
page about solving the cold war
page about culture
2 dozen or so identifications

im entirely screwed. swear to god. and i dont even care.

im so tired lately. so, so tired. the kind of tired that makes your bones weak and your head swim. i feel like being melodramatic today. its just that kind of day.

anyways... recap of the day thus far:
went to target to buy an outfit for NHS induction, since i dont have any decent skirts. i actually found a very pretty black one with some sort of white pattern. however, because the world hates me, there was not a single white shirt that matched it in the entire store. naturally. anyways, so i did the best i could and bought a short sleeved button down white shirt, which is nice and simple but pretty. it has some sort of pattern going on with the seams, so it looks ok. i wonder if i can handle moving the button over by myself, seeing as mother wont be home till the day of the induction... meaning ill have to alter it myself. ha. we shall see how that goes.

what else did i get? i cant remember. um, a 3/4 length white collared shirt, which i can wear under my blue cord pattern sweater, which i know has a name but i cant remember. and another pair of jeans, because its basically a miracle when any pants fit me. so i bought those. and.... a sweater type top, but with short sleeves. yep, so that was funfunfun. and then i bought 6 packs of gum, because i am utterly addicted to the stuff.

then i needed to go to barnes and noble to get another copy of "the sun also rises" because i lost my copy. gah. and then i also needed another sudoku book for the plane. i love sudokus, theyre awesome. but then again, you know me and books... i was walking away from the little cafe where i had bought some chocolate ice drink, and i stumbled upon the us history section. and you can all guess what happened from there. i started reading this uber awesome book thats basically an encyclopedia of the presidents/a compilation of their mini biographies, and i ended up reading about 30 pages from it. so i decided to buy that book, since it would be a good reference, and i liked it.

then i got distracted by the classics section, especially becuase i needed the red badge of courage for acadec, so i figured i oughta pick it up while they had it in the cheap classics section. then i fnalllly wandered over into the fiction section, just to realize that i might have remembered where i had put my copy of the book at home, but whatever. so i bought another copy just in case. and got very very sidetracked because i love the fiction section. i really wanted to buy like 8 more books, but i couldnt. i already have a reading list of like 4 novels. but.... i just couldnt resist getting the lovely bones. i read the first 10 pages ish and i liked it a lot. so that got added t my collection of books that i was getting.

i love how, at the book store, people judge you by what books you buy. people do it all the time. last time, i was buying ap review books, and all the adults in the line gave me approving smiles. one even started talking and being like "oh is that time of year, blahblahblah good luck, etc". this time, everyone was a bit puzzle dbecause i was getting a seemingly strange collection. the red badge of courage, the lovely bones, a sudoku booklet, and a huge volume about the presidents, that only way nerdy people/history teachers would buy. so noone talked to me, but rather had that speculative look on their faces. it was very interesting to observe them, because its hilarious to watch them judge people when they themselves are buying sappy love stories.

so. i still needed a good white shirt, because i figured that i could check old navy and if i found one, i could use the remainder of my gift card to get it. however, they of course did not have a matching white shirt. this made me fairly angry because how hard is it to have a lousy white shirt. seriously, theres no variation in the color, and all it has to be is a normal length, and semi nice looking. gooooosh. *rolls eyes* anyways, i did find this  coolio netted sheater thing, which looked very cool with a black and white tank top that i had found. ...and there was this striped sweater on clearance. so i ended up spending far too much money on things today, but i spose i needed them. or most of them, seeing as ive expanded past the point of fitting into last years spring/summer clothes.

and then i bought socks too, but thats boring. and now i am home, hopelessly bored and tired to my marrow and aching with restlessness.

i feel like writing more, maybe ill find a witty story or something to keep you all amused while i continue this entry. i could write about my uncles birthday yesterday, which was god awful. i hate my family, i hate them so much. they are ignornant and uneducated and choose to whittle their lives away as mechanics and housewives and drunks. people whose greatest achievements include being able to quote from every episode of the simpsons. im sorry, but i cant deal with those people.

so we had to go out to dinner, but nobody told me what time we were supposed to go, so all of a sudden our doorbell starts ringing like 80 times, and i bounce up to find my cousins outside, expecting us to go with them to the restaurant. yeah, so... seeing as i was in pjs and my aunt was sleeping, that didnt happen. i ended up driving dear old senile auntie to the place, after i threw on some halfway decent pants. and when we got there, the conversation was incredible pointless, and so i stared off into space. everyone thinks im antisocial anyways, so they ignore me. it works. and then my cousin, whos 18, was talking blah blah about how shes not going to vote becuase she doesnt know anything about politics because shes ignorant, and how people cant pay for medicine which sparked rediculous parallels to communist russia, which made me tune out competely.

sigh. so that was mind numbing. by now, im just counting down the days till spring break. i dont relaly have anything witty or silly to say, i just want to relieve my mind of some of the tension. i made a whole list of things i need to do before spring break... i hope i get them done.

im going back to reading the lovely bones.